Northeast Times

Editorial: Their pledges for 2013

It’s the most, won­der­ful time, of the year. Yes, gentle read­ers, it’s time to re­veal what we think are (or should be)  the new year’s res­ol­u­tions of our loc­al and na­tion­al celebrit­ies. Here are a few:
May­or Mi­chael Nut­ter: I will aban­don all ef­forts to raise prop­erty taxes un­til the city col­lects every dol­lar owed by tax dead­beats.
Coun­cil­wo­man Mari­an Tasco: I re­solve to re­turn to the city treas­ury the $478,000 in the fake-re­tire­ment DROP money I col­lec­ted a year ago.
Teva phar­ma­ceut­ic­al com­pany: We re­solve to change our minds yet again and build our huge plant at the old Budd com­pany in Somer­ton.
Gov. Tom Corbett: I prom­ise not to lose any sleep wor­ry­ing that Allyson Schwartz will beat me in 2014.
New Jer­sey Gov. Chris­toph­er Christie: I will lose a few hun­dred pounds in my quest to be­come phys­ic­ally fit so I can fill the White House in four years.
Soon-to-be ex-Eagles head coach Andy Re­id: I will lose a hun­dred pounds be­fore I take the helm of an­oth­er team.
Eagles own­er Jeff Lurie: I will apo­lo­gize to every­one who loves Man’s Best Friend for bring­ing Mi­chael Vick to Phil­adelphia.
Sen­ate Minor­ity Lead­er Mitch Mc­Con­nell: I will resign in dis­grace after block­ing much of Pres­id­ent Obama’s agenda but fail­ing to block his re-elec­tion.
Wil­lard Mitt Rom­ney: I re­solve to shock the tea party by ad­mit­ting that I am a mod­er­ate at heart.
New­ton Leroy Gin­grich: I re­solve to re­main faith­ful to Cal­lista.
Wil­li­am Jef­fer­son Clin­ton: I re­solve to re­main faith­ful to what­sh­er­name.
Lind­say Lo­han: I will stay out of trouble and stay out of the lime­light.

You can reach at staff@bsmphilly.com.

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