Robyn's Hood
By Robyn McCloskey
As the wife of a minister, I get to attend more than my fair share of weddings. I also get to attend more than my fair share of funerals, but typically, although not always, the weddings are more fun.
Over the years my husband has performed dozens of weddings, all of which I have enjoyed, or at least most of which I have enjoyed. But here are just a few of the things I’ve witnessed to present these pointers on what and what not to do at a wedding.
• Candles are good, braless bridesmaids are not.
• A champagne toast with strawberries in the glass is classy; a piano player who shows up drunk before the ceremony even begins . . . need I go on?
• Flower girls dropping rose petals on a white runner is sweet; bridesmaids with more tattoos than teeth is a little intimidating.
And so, as you can imagine, I thought I’d seen it all until I discovered My Big Redneck Wedding, the reality show as seen on CMT, which also is home to Trick My Truck, Trading Spouses and Mobile Home Disaster.
As difficult as it may be to imagine these shows as actual reality, My Big Redneck Wedding takes the cake. The show is hosted by Tom Arnold, which pretty much says it all.
Except it doesn’t end there; in fact that’s just the beginning. Couples from all across this great nation of ours, but mostly in the South, share with us their trip to the altar as we voyeurs watch in disbelief while brides shop for camouflage wedding gowns and matching combat boots.
Imagine grooms purchasing their wedding attire at the gun section of the local Wal-Mart. Or a husband-to-be who’s Dumpster-diving in search of that special gift that reeks of "I Love You" for his blushing bride.
One show ended with the groom and his mother mud-wrestling in a kiddie pool . . . not sure what Freud would have said about that. But the episode that topped them all was the one that featured the time-honored tradition of "mattress surfing." You know, where you take a used mattress, secure it to the back of an old pickup, throw some drunk party guest on top and drive the lucky person through cow manure for laughs.
Which brings us to perhaps the most famous of all redneck weddings, the recent nuptials of Jenna Bush, a Texan through and through even if her parents’ current address is 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Jenna was once branded by the media as the "wild child" who got arrested for attempting to use a fake ID to purchase alcohol while still a minor. But it seems our little Jenna has settled down and found herself a soul mate in one Mr. Henry Chase Hagar, also the offspring of a politician, but Henry’s dad isn’t quite as well-known as his wife’s dad.
The country watched in anticipation as the big day neared. What would her gown look like? What would the bridesmaids wear? Who was invited . . . and where would the ceremony be held?
Turns out Jenna’s gown was designed by Oscar de la Renta. And even though she’s from the South, I’m pretty sure that fashion legend Oscar didn’t suggest to her that a touch of camouflage would pull it all together. And even if Jenna could have commandeered the White House for her nuptials, she opted for a simple backyard affair, if you consider a 1,600-acre ranch in Crawford, Texas, simple. With 200 of their closest friends as witnesses, the bride and groom said their "I do’s" as the sun set behind them.
I give the girl credit. I give this young couple credit. This whole affair could have turned into one giant episode of Bridezilla. They could have filled the airwaves ad nauseum, a la Ryan and Trista Reynolds of The Bachelorette fame. Jenna could have had her own reality show, The President’s Daughter Gets Hitched.
But I digress. Instead, Henry and Jenna refrained from turning their special day into a media feeding frenzy. It was as simple as simple could be when your dad is the leader of the free world.
And it certainly was no big redneck wedding. No mud wrestling, no Dumpster-diving, no persuading Dick Cheney to try mattress surfing.
Hmmm. You know, on second thought, that could have been one heck of an episode. ••
Robyn McCloskey’s column appears each week in the Northeast Times. She can be reached at crmccloskey@verizon.net