Women’s Day offers
hope no matter what

By Diane Prokop
Times Staff Writer

Brenda Thomas told it like it was last week.
The "it" was how she survived domestic abuse. The Holmesburg resident and successful author recounted painful episodes in her life and the life of her family as keynote speaker for Frankford Group Ministry’s International Women’s Day. FGM’s Neighborhood Parenting Program sponsored the annual event.
Thomas read from her latest book, Laying Down My Burdens: A Journey From Abuse To Self-Discovery, and told about the domestic abuse she suffered at the hands of her daughter’s father.
"Before I could respond to him, the sledgehammer came crashing down against my left shoulder. I heard a snap, and a fire-like sensation shot across my chest," she read.
Thomas told the women that the important thing is that she survived it. She came out on top.
"It’s been twenty years since I’ve been hit by a man," she said to applause.
Thomas said she stayed in the relationship because in some way she was addicted to it and because she thought she deserved it.
"I felt guilty and people know how to reinforce that," she said.
It wasn’t until two years after she and her husband entered a drug rehabilitation program and she saw her son hiding his head under a book bag that she decided to leave.
"It took five more years of emotional attachment to totally break away," she said.
Thomas also struggled with her decision to publish her memoir. However, she feared that if her granddaughters knew only about her successes but nothing about her struggles, they could fall victim to the same violence.
A half-dozen women raised their hands to speak about how abuse has touched their lives.
One woman said she stayed so that her children would have their father, while another stayed because she was financially well taken care of.
"Through therapy, I found out I can take care of myself," she said.
Another woman said that her belief in God making her a perfect human being has prevented her from being put in that situation.
"No one can degrade you," she said.
A young woman sat in the back corner of the room, making several attempts to ask her question while she swallowed back her tears.
"My mother went through the same thing. Now me and my sisters — we’re all going through the same thing and my mother is immune to it," she said. "When we tell her, she asks what we did, she blames us, asks us what we did."
Thomas advised her to start with herself and to refuse to be abused.
"You don’t deserve it. You all thought it was OK. Start being around people who can help you," Thomas said. "You don’t need nobody that bad to allow them to abuse you."
One woman got out of her chair when there was a break in the discussion to give the crying young woman a hug.
Thomas said she needed to be reminded that she is one of them and doesn’t go back to the mentality that she’s a bad girl who deserves the abuse.
A mother asked Thomas how to help her daughter, who is in an abusive relationship.
"Pray for them and be there to listen," she said.
Writing her memoir about her life and how she came out on the other side hasn’t been as cathartic for her as when she has spoken to groups of women. It has cost her.
"Regardless of what I lost — a friend, a job, a boyfriend — I get the message across. I’m fifty and being what I wanted to be when I grew up," she said.
Wendy Weingarten, director of FGM’s parenting program, handed out a questionnaire to those in attendance.
"When we hear people that are moving and inspiring, we think of how we can move forward in our lives," she said.
The questionnaire asked the women to reflect on the goals and passions they had before they had children, a wish list of things they’d like to do, and ways to nurture themselves on a daily and/or weekly basis. That could be something as small as going to the bathroom in private — a big deal for the mother of young children.
"Giving to yourself so that you have the energy to do that," Weingarten said. ••
Laying Down My Burdens is available in area bookstores. Thomas is also the Essence best-selling author of Threesome, Fourplay, and The Velvet Rope. For more information, visit www.phillywriter.com
Reporter Diane Prokop can be reached at 215-354-3036 or dprokop@phillynews.com

Help is available . . .

• National Domestic Violence Organization, 1-800-799-SAFE, 1-800-787-3224 (TTY), www.ncadv.org
• Pennsylvania Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 1-800-932-4632, 1-800-553-2508 (TTY), www.pcadv.org
• Women Against Abuse, 1-866-723-3014, www.womenagainstabuse.org
• Narcotics Anonymous – www.na.org
• Alcoholics Anonymous – www.alcoholics-anonymous.org