Robyn’s Hood
By Robyn McCloskey
Among one of the many eccentricities of my dear mother, Darlene, is her fondness for celebrities. My mom was a walking People magazine long before Mia Farrow ever graced their first cover.
To this day she has a wealth of Hollywood knowledge to rival that of Ryan Seacrest. Anytime we end a phone conversation I half expect her to say, "Darlene out." Because of this, she has a penchant for referring to famous people as if they are her close personal friends. She’ll say things like:
"Did you see my Oprah yesterday?"
"I hope Joy is taking good care of Regis while he recovers from bypass surgery."
"Do you know one of Kelly’s kids has a cold? I can’t remember if it’s Michael, Lola or Joaquin, but I said a prayer for them all just the same."
Years ago she called me at midnight, shortly after I’d married, waking my husband and me out of a sound sleep.
"Mom, what’s wrong?"
"Julia called off the wedding!"
"What?"
"Julia, she called off the wedding to Kiefer."
It was then in my sleep-induced haze that I vaguely recalled something about an engagement between Julia Roberts and Kiefer Sutherland.
"Were you invited?"
"No, of course not."
"Then why do you care?"
"Oh honey, have you no compassion for people?"
I still feel responsible for the fact that Burt Reynolds and Loni Anderson have not reconciled. I never did get around to writing that "note of encouragement" my mother strongly suggested I send when she called me with news of their split — and mentioned she had their addresses.
Sorry Burt, sorry Loni. I’m sure a quick note from Hallmark and me would have been all you guys needed to mend your differences.
Years ago I won a contest and appeared on Rosie O’Donnell’s show. I don’t think my mom could have been more proud.
"Hey mom, guess what? I’ve discovered a cure for cancer!"
"That’s nice, honey . . . but remember the time you were on Rosie?"
My mom is not only current with everything happening in today’s entertainment world but she also is a wealth of knowledge on the bygone days of "old Hollywood." I have inherited her love of black-and-white films and have many a cherished memory of staying up late while watching movies together, back in the days before DVDs, cable on demand and 500 channels readily available at your fingertips.
Sometimes on school nights she would let me stay up late to catch Bette Davis as Margo Channing in All About Eve, or Joan Crawford as Mildred Pierce, or the classic Bette-and-Joan collaboration in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?
I have tried to pass this love of old movies to my own children, via the cable channels AMC and TCM, but apparently these films are too verbose. They keep asking when the characters are going to stop all that "annoying talking." They also want to know when the color is going to magically appear, "like when Dorothy landed in Oz."
To my mother’s credit, I have learned that it pays to stay current with today’s breaking entertainment news, affording me the opportunity to pass along some words of wisdom to my own daughters.
For instance, months ago, before Britney Spears went off the deep end and the shocking news of her split with husband K-Fed was milked by the tabloids, I was able to jump on this "teachable moment" to share some sound advice: "Now girls, if everyone in the country thinks the guy you are with is a freeloading-no-talent-deadbeat-dad-looks-like-he-could-use-a-shower-foul-mouthed-punk, then he probably is."
So while I nominate my mom to replace Mary Hart, should she ever retire, I do every once in a while say to her, "Now you know you don’t really know any of these people, right?"
To which she replies, "Yes honey, I know I don’t really know them." And just as I am breathing a sigh of relief, thankful that my mother has staved off Alzheimer’s for the time being, I hear her mutter under her breath, "Do you think it’s too late to send Tom and Katie a baby gift for little Suri?"
Robyn out. ••
Robyn McCloskey’s column appears each week in the Northeast Times. She can be reached at crmccloskey@verizon.net