Oh, shoot!
Dick Cheney is basically a decent man, a guy who loves his wife, daughters and country, but the man described by many as one of the most influential vice presidents in modern history is in a heap of trouble, and we’re not just talking about his possible involvement in the CIA leak case.
In fact, what Mr. Cheney did in Texas on Saturday — accidentally shooting one of his two-legged friends during a hunting trip — is worse than what Vice President Spiro Agnew did in 1973 (tax evasion), and it’s almost as bizarre as what Vice President Aaron Burr did in 1804 (killed Alexander Hamilton in a duel).
Had Mr. Cheney been more careful on the quail hunting trip (and he should have purchased the required stamp for his hunting license; he’s an oilman, he can afford the seven bucks), his pal Harry Whittington would not have been shot and critically injured.
Now, though, if President Bush wants to dispense with loyalty and cut his losses by picking a less controversial vice president, he should look no further than his secretary of state. Condoleezza Rice would be an excellent choice, and as veep she would be heir apparent for the Republican presidential nomination in 2008.
But if Mr. Bush wants to tap a less conventional person as his heartbeat away from the presidency, we offer these three contenders, for starters.
• Charlton Heston: The once-magnificent actor and ex-NRA president no longer has all his marbles. He’s perfect for the job.
• Britney Spears: The pop singer who drives with her baby on her lap is obviously missing a few marbles. She’s also fit to fill Mr. Cheney’s shoes.
• Joan Krajewski: The soon-to-be retired Philadelphia city councilwoman sure knows how to shoot from the hip.
Meanwhile, we the people should be grateful that Mr. Cheney is the stealth vice president. As long as he continues to run the country from his Undisclosed Location, America is safe. Well, almost. ••
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